Is You IS or IS You Ain’t My Baby Grown?

In one of the many times where I asked for suggestions for topics I got this from 1KoolKat–cus she follows directions…Unlike some of you…

I have a friend who I have been knowing since he was about 7 days old. He is now 26. (And girl - is he fine…) But recently, I have been catching glimpses that he is growing up and becoming more mature. I am proud of him. His thinking and problem solving processes are changing. He is becoming a man. So maybe another topic is when do you grow up? Some people grow up at 16, some at 25, some at 35… and some never grow up…

So let’s talk about this…When does a person really grow up?? Sure it’s different for everyone. But what’s the age by which all people should be grown?? And what is grown?? I’m 30 and I don’t feel any different than I did at 16. I’ve learned a lotl. Still stupid but nowhere near as stupid as I was back then or even last week. But grown?? Grown would be a stretch. Numerically, I’m an adult. I can drive and vote. I don’t need parental permission for anything.

Some think you’re grown once you have kids. How could this be when 10 year old kids are popping kids out everyday? You can’t tell me they are more grown than me. Some folks think it’s when you get a mortgage. Nope. There are people who live to be 100 and never have a mortgage. You gonna tell me they aren’t grown. Paying your own bills doesn’t make you grown either because there are lots of kids working jobs and paying their monthly cell phone bill.

And speaking of bills, I recently discovered that I should make more money. And that I probably need to make more money. Sure I make more than other people, but I’m never going to reach my savings goal if I keep working for the man. Plus, my plan for getting rich off of the work of others is a bit off-track. What? Don’t trip. Getting rich off the sweat of others is the American way!! Are they still hiring over in Iraq?? Couldn’t I work there for the remainder of the year and come up majorly?? Bank account bursting?? Sure it’s hot as balls on the beach and I hate the hot-hot heat. That rhymes. I’ll take my BET Best Rapper of the Year Award now. Thanks!!! But wouldn’t I get used to it? The heat I mean, not the BET Award. Would I have wear a uniform?? I’m not fond of green and I wouldn’t even be a soldier. And I think the odds of me getting killed are pretty slim. What y’all think?? Going to war would be semi-grown right??

Oh and speaking of America (You like how I forced the transition?) what’s up with NASA ‘Nem sending those people in space in a 1974 Impala with nothing more than a roll of grey tape to fix the broken bumper, off track window, and busted radiator?? Da hell? People (Not me!) are already placing bets on their NOT returning to Earth safely.

Back to being grown. I just don’t feel it. I thought when you got grown, you felt it. I mean something changed in you that made you walk around doing whatever you could because 1) you were grown and 2) you’d figured life out. But nobody figures life out. Nobody. Nobdy is figuring anything out!!! Dammit!! I may walk around pretending to have it all figured out. But guess what. I have just as much of a clue as you do. I just pretend to know but don’t know shyt for sure. I speculate. Present my personal observations as facts. I still don’t understand why people even listen to me. Yet, time and time again, and much to my amazement, they do. Some even look to me as an authority on shyt. I giggle in my mind. These suckers are listening to me and I’m not even grown!! HA!!

Just had a thought…Did I mentionI should be getting ready to drive to the northern tip of Marlyand for a meeting?? I’ll be in a meeting as a Subject Matter Expert. Again, I giggle just thinking about it. But I’m on my couch blogging. I’ll host the first Blogsome Bay Blogger Support Group. Edwige, could you bring the hookah?? Maybe it’s taking personal responsibility for your actions that makes you an adult. I do that. Do you?? Cus even in doing that, I don’t feel grown. Am I missing something here??

Bad Good As You Wanna Have to Be

I have a couple frociates who call upon me for my lady opinion. Last night one called with some really-really ridiculous shyt. Some little girl, cus I do believe she’s 12, is tryna run game on him. I’m offended. First, her game is so lower case ‘g’. Second, with it being so weak, I take it as an insult to his intellect…And by forced extention, an insult of my intelligence.

Why is it that when people lie, especially in relationships (committed or not) they don’t match their lies to their opponents experience and common sense?? Back when I was still having dealings with the Devil…I keep saying for you to remind me to tell that story but nobody has so whatever…Several of my friends saw him around with this one chick. Well, when I confronted him about it…Remember, I was younger and dumber than I am now. Cus y’all know a present day Kajuana would be like, “F*ck you and the horse you road in on!…He told me, get ready to laugh, “Those people aren’t your friends because they wouldn’t tell you stuff that might hurt you.”

Da f*ck?? Have you ever heard such utter lunacy?? Naw, go ahead and be stunned. That had to be the most stupid shyt I had, in my 21 years, ever heard. It was so stupid that I think I chuckled a bit. But then I got mad. Mad because he didn’t think I was smart enough to call bullshyt just that: BULLSHYT!! As you can probably tell, his piss-poor cover-up lies were a huge problem.

When I lie, IF I lie, which I rarely do because I’m pretty damned good at it and I choose to use my talents for good, not bad. I choose to use my talents to get out of speeding tickets. Speaking of speeding tickets…Years back, I got pulled over on BW Parkway. Ladies, when I tell you the officer was fine, please believe he was. He was so fine that instead of me coming up with an excuse as he walked from his poilice cruiser to my car, I was too busy admiring him in all his hot-sexxxy glory. Oh hell yes, he was THAT fine. Snapped back to reality when he got to my window…FUCK!!! I couldn’t get a ticket. I wouldn’t get a ticket. Think!! I looked down at my lap, thought about pushing out some tears. And just as he stepped to the side of my car, I had an idea. I had on a bone colored pants suit. Do you know where I’m going with this?? I told this fine man that I had a feminine issue and I had to speed hope to change my pants, etc. Needless to say, Kajuana escaped that ticket.

But right now, I want to talk about one particular situation for which so many of the most half-assed lies are told. GOING OUT OF TOWN. Some of you are planning to go out of town right now. You’re telling someone you date a lie about where you’re going, who you’re going with, and/or how long you’ll be gone. Because I care, let me him you to the two things I think gets people caught the most. Work and socializing. If you tell a significant other that your ass is gone out of town and will return on Monday, please let your co-workers know. Cus if someone calls your office, the work people are quick to say, “He stepped out for lunch.” And if you happen to be at work when you should be out of town, just don’t answer your work phone. How the hell can you be out of town and still answer your work phone?? The second way people get caught is by not being able to stay their asses in the house or at unpopular places. If you are supposed to be up in NYC visiting your sick granny, nursing her through her third battle with breast cancer, how the hell are you sitting in plain view eatting a steak down at Charlie Palmer’s?? Hello, there’s a new thing called camera phones. And if your significant other doesn’t see you, someone else will.

Maybe it is true that we’re only as smart as we have to be…As smart as the people we deal with. When it comes to lying, no matter how much you plan, you can never cover all of your bases. Especially if you’re lying to a smart person. The best you’re going to do is cover 96% of all the possibilites. Yes, I’ve done the research and math to get this percentage! But, if you must lie, always tell your best lie. Look at who you’re lying to. And if you think you ‘got it like that’ and don’t need to put some extra thought into your lie, then you probably do.

Oh and for you regular readers who let my post sit all dayum day with an imprpoerly spelled title, fugg-ewe!!! Y’all know how busy I’ve been at work!!! Y’all could have hit me on IM or something!! Dayum!!! I bet their are typos in today’s entry too. But I’m too busy to edit. So there!!!

Read The Comments

Let me first say how absolutely pissed I am because I’d written an entire post and forgot to hit save. I lost it but I will try to recreate it. Go read the comments. No really, go read them. Didn’t know this would be such a hot topic for some. There were two comments that stuck out and I’d like to highlight them for further discussion.

C2A wrote:

Any woman (past 28) who thinks there is value in getting ranked higher because of her lack of children is delusional. She is bordering on barren, while thinking she is special. She is special but only because we all are.

When I first read this, I was like, “Dang. C2A goes hard!!! She holds no punches but why’s she tryna down us barren women??” Like Beloved said, I thought I was doing something by not breeding babies I didn’t want and couldn’t afford. Then when I read it a second time, I took note that what she says goes directly against what the men are saying. They’re saying they choose not to deal with women with kids. So they are putting us barren broads above women with kids. And for real, I sincerely think I’m great. Not just because I’m barren, though I consider myself nubile, but because overall, I’m a good person. That is, except when I’m campaigning for Asshole of the Quarter, an award held in high esteem in my social circle. Plus, when I meet men and tell them I have no kids, their eye light with glee. But then they also light up when I say I have no tattos.

Bemused wrote:

Having been on both sides of the equation (i have kids/i dated women with kids) i found your commenters’ words to be pretty arrogant and weirdly funny. i agree with some points - drama needs to be stomped out at the source - but you can’t control everything other people do. truth is, i started LOOKING for women with kids during my latter dating days because nobody is more irritating than a woman without kids trying to tell you how to raise yours. i have been blessed to date single mothers who were straight up magnificent people. They were (understandably) very cautious about allowing the men they dated to meet their children, so i felt blessed to spend time with their usually beautiful and highly intelligent children. of course, my wife tells me i’m weird - that i don’t think like most men. but i’ve always felt that not dating women with kids causes you to miss out on some good women who may have made a relationship mistake in the past. and which one of us can claim that they’ve never done that?

Arrogant?? Funny? They stated their opinions. But those opinions don’t mirror yours so they are funny?? Remember two monologues do not equal dialog. I tend to appreciate everyone’s honesty, even if it’s not in line with mine.

Could it be that Bemused dated some very controlling women who happened to not have kids?? Who knows. He’s a first time commenter so I won’t be too hard on them. I don’t think anyone said anything bad about single moms. I agree that men miss out by passing some of them up. But where I get a little antsy is in the fact that I don’t date men with kids. But at the same time, I say when men ignore women with kids they miss out. But I don’t feel I miss out when I choose not to date men with kids. Then again, for the most part, men with kids don’t even approach me.

As for drama, I sincerely believe, and it took me 29 years to learn this, if you shank a person in the ribs the firts time they raise their hand to do harm to you, they won’t do it again. You set the precident that you will not go for any baby momma/daddy drama. You don’t wait until you’re in another relationship and they are interferring. You must put a person in his/her place at the first sign of craziness.

Oh and I most certainly appreciate the comment Diggs wrote about not letting every dude meet her son!! Love it. It pisses me square off when I hear about harm coming to a child because the parent gave their significant other access with the child without checking to see if s/he was a child beater or molester!

I appologize for the typos and the such. I’m in a meeting, trying to blog, pay attention, etc!

The Party In Your Pants

First I’d like to thank those who got undone over A’s comments. Y’all are funny. I’d also like to thank the people who kept checking back to see if I was posting. And I wanna send a rap-style shout out to the folks who e-mailed or commented asking about how the new job is going. Fine!! Just getting settled and today’s the first day I could get online. And no, I couldn’t do it from home because MCI is run my arse-wipes and for about 18 hours I had a message on my phone that said “At the owner’s request, 301-___-___ has been temporarily disconnected.” While they were crazy appologetic, I still haven’t been able to get my account credited.

A couple days ago, one of my road dawgs told me a story. Granted, my girl is in another state so maybe it’s not as dangerous to have sex all willy-nilly out there. But here, in the test tube that is inside the Beltway, not being selective can kill you. Hell, even being selective can kill ya. The story basically went like this. Carla and Anthony used to screw. They were going to be at a wedding together. Anthony started calling her the week before the wedding asking if they can hook up after the wedding.

To make a long story short, when Carla gets to the wedding, Anthony is with a date. Anthony gets away from date, rolls to Carla and puts $100 bill in her bra. As the evening ends, Anthony’s date goes home. Anthony and Carla end up at a hotel. And I’m not mad at him. He paid good money for the pusseau!!! And in this case, Carla was a straight hoe. Not that anything is wrong with it. So long as she was a careful hoe. Carla got mad because she was treated like a hoe. How? We’ll get to that in a minute.How does one advertise and/or accept payment but then get mad when the treatment matches their industry??

But what I am mad at, what burns my toast, melts my ice, and floods my basement is that somewhere during the act, Anthony takes off the condom and skeet-skeet-skeets all up in Carla. Now fellas, after a certain age, let’s say 25, don’t you know that a woman who screws anyone is the last one you want to be in unprotected?? Carla was all upset and kept saying how pissed she was. At who?? At herself for allowing this?? At herself for being a $100 piece of ass?? (I don’t know the going rate for ass nowadays, but it has to be more than $100.) At him for knowing she is the type he could do this to?? For knowing he was a low-to-the-ground piece of trash but you still laid up with him??

This situation inspired me to post about the Velvet Rope. You ever notice how everyone wants to get in the club, or section of the club, with the velvet rope?? Ever notice how people will stand in an orderly line to get past that rope?? They will call in favors just to get their names on the VIP list. Ever notice that adding a velvet rope, or extra level of security, to anything makes people want it?? Ever notice that once security becomes relaxed and they start letting people with jeans and Tims in, the quality of the club drops?? This is because people like to feel special. People like to be in the in-crowd. I don’t know if this is nature or nurture. But I know it exists.

Stay with me on this.

So then why is it that broads don’t treat their pussea like an exclusive club?? I love sex as much, shoot, probably more than a lot of people. However, this doesn’t mean that I’ve swung open the gates and invited every man who winks my way into my League of Extraordinary Men!!!!! Do I think they won’t go elsewhere if they can’t get admission into my club?? Heckie naw. Let them go tear someone else’s club up. I pay too much in insurance to have some motley crew of surly men make my premiums rise!!! Plus, I value my property.

Why do certain clubs go from three layers of velvet ropery to allowing Ray-Ray in?? Money!! They are greedy and want to make more loot. Why do a lot of women have no pusseau admission standards, I’m really starting to think that pusseau is all they have. They think this is their only way to get the attention of men. I’m starting to think that many of these women, deep down, just crave male attention. And instead of saying, “Look, I’m trying to get it any way I can.” they claim they just love sex so much that they need to screw ever Bob, Dick, and Shaft!! If that’s the phase you are in, for the love of decresed HIV rates, use protection and stab any man who takes it off!!!

What’s with men slipping condoms off all CIA-esque?? Why don’t men have any firm sperm distribution standards?? Usually their standards aren’t too high. If she’s willing, most men will do her–even if it has to be kept on the hush. I’ve said I think men should know better by 25. I still stand by that. Not only that, but I think some men just are dumb. So in case you’re having trouble rationalizing why you should be stingy with your sperm, wear protection, and/or turn down the pusseau or not pursue the pusseau of a woman who’s like a door-knob (everyone gets a turn), lemme ’splain it for you as simply as I can. Why are you selective about the places you go, the car you drive, and the broads you let meet your family?? Because you have standards!!! Why don’t those standards always translate into who you lay unprotected with?? Because you take the easy route. But you have to know that a gazzillion men before you have taken that same route and skeet-skeet-skeeted all up and through that same road. And you know just how filthy your brethern are. Is easy pusseau worth dying for??

If death isn’t enough, would you want your children, especailly your daughters, raised by easy pusseau?? Would you want to have to deal with the person connected to that easy pusseau for a minimum of 18 years?? Think about your pockets and the heartbreak you will feel when your five year old daughter visits for the weekend and decided to drop it like it’s hot in front of all of your friends. Or when she sits and tells 50-leven stories about all her of her uncles who come and spend the night in mommy’s room.

In closing, I’d like to ask everyone to rush out at lunch time and get a couple things. First, get a velvet rope. If you can’t find one, a red string will due for now. Tie it around you mid-section. Keep it there as a reminder. Train yourself to be selective. Also, on that same shopping trip, stop by a store and pick up some condoms. Sure they cost a lot. But think of this as an investment.

Rules Of Engagement

I had a post about welfare that was semi-written. But I decided to write something new to get something off of my chest. I know this might offend. And really, I’ve already said it to the person who inspired it but I feel like others might need some reminding. You know how you must interact with your friends spouse, significant other, date?? There are certain rules that must be followed. Or else, someone may end up getting cut.

These are things I know not to do. Don’t even cross my mind to do. I’ve had a few instances where my guy’s friends have gotten out of line. And I’ve seen where others have done things that could be considered ‘out the box’. And for this post, I’m talking about friends of the same sex and their spouses, significant others, dates of the opposite sex.

What is ‘out the box’? What are these rules?? To me, they are understood. But let me give you some examples. Recently, a female wanted the phone number for one of Manfriend’s friends. She and this guy had known each other for a while. She wanted me to ask Manfriend for the number. Hellous nous. What the hell do I look like asking Manfriend for his friend’s number?? But I don’t think the asker understood where I was coming from. I refused to ask because, well just because. The shyt felt wrong. And I can’t put into words why it felt wrong, but it did. And, I know there is no way on this floating rock we call Earth that Manfriend would evuh ask me for one of my girl’s numbers. And if he did, he’d be met with a wrinkled brow, an eye-roll, and a sweet, “What the f*ck for.” My mother agrees with me on this.

You do not greet your friend’s spouse, significant other, or date, lips first!! I was seeing this guy and one day, I saw a good friend of his on Howard’s ‘yard’. Good Friend was drunk. He leaned in to hug me, which is what the Bruhs do. But this time, he leaned in extra far, lips first and I turned my head just in time to avoid his lips touching mine. I chalked it up to ‘my guy’ downplaying our interaction so low that the Bruh thought he could do whatever. Later, I would find out this was indeed the case since I was one of several ‘girlfriends’

Another thing you never want to do, and lean in closely for this one, is ask your friend’s spouse, significant other, or date for money!!! I don’t care that you’re standing right at the entrance of the club. NO. And my mother, when I told her the story said, “Oh that’s some shyt right there. Good thing y’all are calm girls cus that would start some real shyt with most women. How did she not know not to do that? Does she have a boyfriend?” My momma, she keeps it real. And truth be told, I cleaned up what she actually said.

You do not ask your friend’s spouse, significant other, or date for their business card or call their house and try to bypass your friend to speak to their ‘person’. Naw. You just don’t do it. It’s a quick ticket to misunderstandings. And it’s rude.

Thou shall not profess love/like/lust for your friend’s spouse, significant other, or date. A few years back, I was driving a car being the designated driver for my guy and his friend. As we’re driving, from the back seat friend is telling me how, when they met me, he was in love with me. Hold up. I am with your boy. How the hell are you going to say some shyt like that to me in front of my man/your boy?? Based on that and other interactiong with the backseat friend, I figured he just had no respect for frontseat guy. Oh and backseat guy was/is/and shall always be an asshole.

I’ve been trying to figure out how these ‘rules’ go without saying for some but are non-existent to others. I come up with two things. Either people just don’t care and are disrespectful to their friends or they just don’t know any better because they’re not married, not in a relationship, or don’t seriously date much. Otherwise, they’d have to know what not to do. Right? Stepping outside of these rules (This is only a sample. If you can think of more, please leave them in the comments section.) makes people uncomfortable. It makes your friend’s spouse, significant other, or date uncomfortable. And it often pisses off your friend. If you care. So please, for the sake of friendships and not getting knocked the fugg out or cut, check yourself before you wreck yourself!