A Shortie or Two

I so enjoy poking fun at present day slang. Apparently, shortie means baby. I gathered this from context clues. So if I’m using it incorrectly, let a lady know.

Why do educated men have issues dating women with a kid or two?? Back in the day, when I was with F, and I know most don’t know who F is, I remember him telling his friend, “Get you a chick with a kid. Maybe she’ll be a 5. You don’t have to take her anywhere. Just bring movies over, play with the kid a little and she’ll be happy…You can chill at her house when you don’t want to be with the folks. Plus you don’t ever have to worry about her sneaking up on you in the club cus women with kids can’t just up and go like other women can. Baby-sitters don’t grow on trees.” This friend was newly out of graduate school and living with his parents until he got on his feet.

Was I mortified?? I was too ‘in-love’. Never fret, once I was out of that haze of love, I was undone at ther perception. Undone because it might-could be true. Single mothers, from what I’d been seeing, exuded something that said, “I will take what I can get because I’m damaged goods.” But when I really-really looked at the women, you know-looked beyond the surface shyt, I saw that it wasn’t having the kid that made them so accepting of the bull and his shyt. It was a whole smattering of other issues leading me to believe even without the shortie, they’d still put up with crap by the pound.

Fortunately, all young (40 and under), childless, educated men do not look at the single mother as being an ass source and a place to lay his head. Nevertheless, they still choose not to seriously date them. Why? Is it because they think the baby-daddy can always come back?? Cus for-real, for-real, some of the women do think the shortie’s dad/ex-husband is going to come back and finish the fairy-tale they started. Is it because they want her undivided attention and don’t want to have her time split between being his lover and someone’s mother?? Could they be that selfish?? Is it because they want whomever they end up with to have an un-used womb?? Help me out here!

Educated women will easily date a man with a whole team of babies and matching baby-mommas. Why?? All too often these women don’t have to see the kids. Why?? Because the men don’t see the kids. And you know what? These same women ignore the glaring fact that the man is crap. Why is he crap?? Because any man who ignores his babies, his own flesh and blood, his responsibility, will eventually be just as craptastic to you. Sure there are cases where the baby-momma (Have I told y’all how I hate that term?? But I’m only using it to keep with my plan of infusing slang to attract a wider audience.) refuses to let the responsible father see the shortie if he isn’t going to be with her. A judge can clear all that up though!

Another reason educated women are quick to date baby-daddies is because there’s a belief that as you get older, it’s impossible to find a man whose been stingy with his sperm. Men don’t have this issue because even if they are 40, they can still get with a childless 24 year old and most people won’t look at them like they’re a dirty old man. Is this fair?? Heckie naw!

It is no true that every person over 35 has a child and if they don’t there’s something wrong with their equipment. I’m tired of hearing that. People, it’s called being responsible! It’s called planning. It’s called BIRTH CONTROL!! Look into it. Nor is it true that every single mother (or father) made the child because they were being irresponsible. Divorce rates are high. A lot of people are single parents because of divorce. Ya see, they got married and it didn’t work out. Marriage? You heard of it??

But this isn’t about that. It’s about how men folk are writing off some perfectly good women because she has a shortie, or two. It’s about the double standards we cling to when it comes to parenthood. It’s about men being able to get away with living their lives as if they don’t have a shortie!! It’s about realizing if you’re dating some who has a child and s/he puts that child on the back-burner for you, they aren’t shyt! And if you breed with that person, they will do the same to your child.

Lots of women think their husband/man’s baby-momma drama is cute. They say, “He wouldn’t never try no stuff like that with me!” To which I say, “Bitch please!” Go your dumb ass on and have babies by his trifling ass and see how it goes down. And it kills me to hear men talk about how horrible their shortie(s) mother/ex-wife is. Well kind sir, you married/laid down with her!! She was a hot-shytty-mess before the baby came so why are you complaining now?? Oh cus now you’re stuck dealing with her. Go sing that song to someone else!

On The Public Service Tip

I apologize for being all relationshippy lately. But dammit. There’s just some shyt I feel I’m duty bound to say. Plus, I’m under my weekly Heaven points quota.

Friday, I had the pleasure of hanging out with a couple of fellas. N and C. We were sitting at C’s house, drinking, shooting the shyt. When I first got there it was just C and I. I noticed he had that book on his coffee table…Which shouldn’t be called a coffee table but an al-k’hol table because that’s what it usually supports. But the book? Oh it was He’s Just Not Into You. I thumbed through it. It only said everything I’ve said here before. It only said what is common sense. It only said the very shyt it took me about 28 years to figure out. It only said what I may have said on some of your comments sections. Bottom line: If a man wants you, he will come the fug after you. No excuses!

I’ll let the ladies toss that around their empty heads for a moment.

But C and I were talking and we started dicussing examples. I, being as duty bound (I do love saying that. You will read it here often. Duty bound.) to my audience as I am, want to share. I’m telling the women these things not because I want them to stop playing themselves by the dozens. Cus for real, I’ve been trying to stop them for ages and dammit if the post 30 crowd still insists on being du-du-dumb-dumb. I’m saying this for the men. I’m saying these things so that my frociates never again have to utter, “If more women would read and internalize what’s in that book, my life would be so much easier.” I’m saying this so dudes can’t think I’m putting all the fault on them. So C, and other single frociates, this is for you. Ladies first. But men, I have some words for you too. Here goes.

Women, screwing a man and hanging out with him does not mean you are dating. It’s doesn’t mean you’re on the cusp of establishing a relationship. All it means is that y’all screw and hang out. Hanging out is not dating. As an example, I think I’ve hung out with 95% of my frociates, one-on-one. Most times they pay. Is that a date? Hell to the muh-fuggin-naw!!!! And no matter what craziness you make up in your head because your hanging out and screwing has moved from once a week to twice, y’all still aren’t dating. Cus so soon as he finds a chick he wants to date, he will date her. And her and you are not one in the same.

BREAKING NEWS: This just in. Kajuana is selling merchandise!!! Matter fact, she went so hard, she’s even selling REAL postage stamps with her picture on them!!! Go ahead and click the flashy link over on the right. You probably won’t see them but if you ask really nicely, I’ll send you the link.

If you are screwing a man that you are not dating and that man hits on other women in front of you, in plane view, he’s not checking for you. If that man later that evening tries to screw you, not only is he not really checking for you, he has no respect for you. Further, if he is not your date to events you both must attend, y’all aren’t dating nor will you ever. So then, the coach of your brother’s team (who doesn’t ask you to the athletic banquet where he knows you will both be in attendence) is really not checking for you.

My very favorite, something I’ve tried to drill into the heads of everyone, if you are a secret, you are not dating. You’re screwing and hanging out. With the exception of work, if a man is proud to be associated with you, he will be associated with you during day-light hours, around your friends and his!!! He won’t be keeping you on the low “cus people would be all in your business.” That there, is some old Devil logic! (I’ve been trying to write a good entry to sum up my time as one of the Devil’s bed buddies. But I can’t quite sum it up neatly. But I’m trying!) If, for example, your social circles cross, people know you’re screwing. People might could be making jokes behind your back and even to your face.

The saddest thing you broads are doing is getting knocked up to keep ties with a man. Da hell is wrong with you people?? I need to get a government grant to research how many babies are concieved post break-up. Ya see, sex after breaking up still means you’re broken up. Sex after you’re 100% sure he doesn’t ever want a relationship with you is still just that. Stop getting knocked up to trap the man. In some rare instances, the man does try to ‘do the right thing’ and marry the woman. And then, he gets a backbone. Women have been trying this tactic for-evuh. In previous generations, it was somewhat successful because of the societal pressures on a man to marry his baby momma. Well guess what cuties, those pressures don’t exist nowadays. Nowadays, you’re playing yourselves more than evuh. If you must screw him after you know he doesn’t want you, please, for the love of all things good and right, take a pill every single morning!!! Just cus you’re an idiot doesn’t mean you should bring a baby into your idiocy.

Now onto the men. Don’t think for a minute you are off the hook. Men, read and take notes if you need to. I want to feel sorry for you. I want to beleive you’ve been honest with these women and told then you want no parts of them. Gosh, I sure want to believe you’re as upstanding in your dealings with women as you are in your dealings with friends and frociates. *hangs head* But the truth is, you have not come out and said, “Sweetie, I’m not checking for you now, nor will I ever.” Nor have you said, to borrow from the book of BMoreK, “This right here, what we’re doing now, this is as good as it’s ever going to get between you and I.” If you haven’t said those things, used no uncertain terms, you are puppet-mastering these women ensuring they not be able to get a tight grip around the truth.

Men, stop screwing these women. Stop having unprotected sex with them. Matter-fact, stop having unprotected sex with anyone. Stop keeping them on the back-burner. Just because they are “open” over you, it doesn’t give you a pass to take advantage. Stop calling them to come screw you when you have nobody in particular you want. Rub one out alone…Cus I know you’re capable. Stop hanging out with them. Stop seeing them at all–which is pretty easy to do unless they are in your direct social circle or work with you–and that’s a post in and of itself. Stop contributing to the madness. Ya see, not only do women need to internalize the hints you give, you need to stop adding fuel to the fire.

I’ve heard the arguement that you aren’t forcing these women to be available. So that might be true. However, you are knowingly taking advantage of them. And that is wrong any way you look at it.

It’s like this *bad analogy alert*, when we were little kids, we’d push envelops. We’d see what we could get away with. If we saw candy or a toy we wanted, even if our parents said we couldn’t indulge until we “insert chore or activity here“, we’d sneak and indulge. But as adults, even when we have the opportunity to steal a piece of unattended candy, we don’t. Or at least we shouldn’t. Grown folks don’t because availability doesn’t give us the right to partake. In short, boys steal, men don’t. As adults, we pretty much know what it means to do the right thing. (Big ups to Spike Lee!) A frociate on the cusp of 30 asked if I had any 30 year old advice. Simply stated, I told him that he should strive to be a better man than he was the day before. And I beg of you all, if you are currently leading a woman on, taking advantage of her emotional state, stop it. You’ll be abetter man for it. I mean unless you want to continue being an asshole. That’s your choice.

Bit, Pieces, and Kneeno Brown @ 30+

You can find anything on the internet. Anything. My linesister, specifically my FRONT, sent me this: www.MyMonthlyCycles.com. Yes boys and girls, you can track your period on the net. I’m wondering what the heck she Googled to get this.

And Sweetback sent me this giggle-worthy piece: http://media.ebaumsworld.com/wmv/blinddateparody.wmv

Yes, as in Nino Brown (NB) from New Jack City. The reason I spelled it that way is because I know for a fact there is a child roaming the streets of DC whose name is Kneeno. Sheesh, what’s wrong with people? But this post isn’t about ghetto names. After all, who would I be to talk about anyone’s name.

Let’s talk about drug dealers. That’s right, the Nino Brown’s of the world. Now usually, I would ignore that my past has been peppered with more than it’s rightful share of NB’s. But this isn’t about them. Recently my girl (L) dated this guy. One of her frociates set her up with this guy. He seemed cool. Seemed like he had himself together. An important point to highlight is that I am from Detroit. My girl lives in Detroit. Detroit is the Harvard of Husslin’. Offering Ph.D. in such widely respected areas as Pimpin’, Sack Chasin’, and Rollin’ (colloquialismsfor drug dealing).

By now, you’re wondering, “Didn’t she post this on her old site?” Sure did but I really had nothing for you guys today. The last couple of weeks have been rough and I forecast the next few will be too. And coming up with great topics isn’t at the top of my Things To Do list. Maybe tomarrow I’ll have something new and better.
Everything was gravy. L’s new friend (NF) was a lot of fun–even though as time went on, she didn’t like him as a boyfriend/husband, but more as a frociate. They had a great time together. Whenever they went places, he was treated like a celebrity. It was close to camera’s flashing. Even the elderly they encountered seemed ultra respectful of him.

NF talked about how their lives together would be. They talked about how much she owed on her car, home, etc. Even went so far as to discuss whose home they’d sell when, yes I say WHEN, they married. NF suggested they take trips to the south, buy land, and/or have a home in the southern region. Lastly, he made a special effort to bond with her young daughter.

About a month or so into the “relationship” L started having dreams. Dreams about her and her small child being watched and on the run. Even though the NF was featured in the dream, she didn’t quickly connect the dots. More time went on and L decided, due to the guys wacktasticity, that she would move him into the frociate zone.

Fast forward to last week. L speaks to the frociate who initially hooked her up with the NF. Frociate tells her NF is indeed a big time drug dealer. Why would a frociate hook her up with a drug dealer. She’s a degreed, hard-working single mother. All of her life is on the up and up. Anyway, the dreams she was having was just her subconscious telling her to get away from NF.

Fast forward to today. L called to tell me that she’d looked NF up. Google? No. Offendersearch.com!!!! Every state has one!! Check your mate out. Sure enough, he was there. NF had told her about an incident in Mexico. He presented it to her like it was something that happened a long-long time ago–maybe in his mispent youth. But what L found out about NF was that he was a recent release. That’s right boys and girls, he had just gotten out of jail this summer. And. He would be on probation until the end of 2005. No mention of anything in Mexico.

All this got me to thinking. Men in our age range who sell drugs are probably the lucky ones who haven’t gone to jail or been killed. Which means, they’ve probably put in more years in the game and have risen as a result. What am I getting at? If we meet a cat who is a drug dealer, he’s not your average corner selling guy. He’s probably got a couple of businesses to cover his income. He probably looks like he’s on the up and up. And he could probably pretend to be on the up and up with most college educated women, not from places like New York, Chicago, and Detroit. Because we know what to look out for. Even if we don’t see it, we feel it–which is why L was having those dreams.

For the rest of the women, they probably have not a clue what to look for or what it feels like. So this is where the pedagogue in me takes over…

Lesson One: Serious drug dealers often are known(a la Ray Edmonds, Butch Jones, Nino Brown, etc). People want to be their friend. They want to be on their good side. You will feel like you’re walking down a red carpet every time you go out. When you go to the barber shop with him, the car wash, the club, eating etc. You are a star. Most women are fooled by this alone because being with this man makes them feel extra special.

Lesson Two: Serious drug dealers have no regard for your work schedule. They will often offer to supplement your income if it means you will be at their disposal. To the untrained eye, they appear helpful. They do not have anywhere to be in the morning. They do not work. They may own business(es) but they never do much related to them. Hell, they may even have an office, stationery, business cards, etc. But they never actually do anything. Not only do they expect you to miss work for them, they expect you to always drop everything for them. No telephone. No friends. No family.

Lesson Three: Serious drug dealers will take on all of your financial responsibilities. Then they will ask you to do a gateway task. What’s a gateway task? The drug dealer will ask you to do something small. Maybe get a cell phone for him in your name. Maybe ask you to switch cars. Now, a dumb chick will go for this. And once she does, he knows he’s got her. He changes her lifestyle and she become in debt to him. At least mentally. Plus, by the time she knows what’s going on, she’s in too deep and everything is already in her name. He goes from asking her to perform the gateway task to having her put everything he purchases in her name.

Lesson Four: Serious drug dealers like taking trips. In fact, they are a lot of fun. Depending on the level at which he’s functioning, I mean if he’s a true Boss Type N*gga, your first trips will be ‘down south’ to either check on or purchase another home. This will be his hide away spot. You will drive. Serious drug dealers don’t like to fly unless they are leaving the country.

Lesson Five: Serious drug dealers almost always frequent certain spots. For example, they get their car detailed at the known drug dealer car detailing spot. When they roll up–and they will take you with them, everyone will stop what they are doing to deal with his car. They get their hair cut at a known drug den. And they will take you with them. Ya see, their fellow dealers own these establishments. Gotta support your own–right??

Lesson Six: Serious drug dealers do not have baby momma drama. Why? Because either she’s afraid to show her ass or has no reason to–because when the money is right, she’s happy.

Lesson Seven: Contrary to popular belief, serious drug dealers are not flashy. Yes, they may own multiple cars, fancy cars. But nothing someone with a regular job couldn’t afford. They also live in rather modest homes. But the thing is, they may have several of them that they do not rent out. See Lesson Four.

Lesson Eight: Serious drug dealers, if they are the BOSS, and if they really like you, they will not be late. At first. That is, until they have you where they want you. Why? Because people operate on their time, not the other way around. He will arrive for dates on time, if not early. All making him appear to be the perfect gentleman.

Lesson Nine: Serious drug dealers, who have either been to jail or were themselves raised by drug dealers, are neat freaks. Anal to a fault. They expect everything to be clean and perfect at all times. Why? That’s the way things are in jail. And if they were raised by and/or around other drug dealers, the neatness seed was planted in them as a tot.

Lesson Ten: Serious drug dealers gamble. When I say gamble, I mean thousands at a time. This is why they love Detroit, Vegas, and Atlantic City so much. They will drop thousands down. But they will win thousands too. You will rarely catch a serious drug dealers shooting craps. They have elevated way beyond those sophomoric games.

Lesson Eleven: Serious drug dealers usually carry a gun. But they do not carry drugs–ever. In fact, most of them don’t even do drugs. No cocaine. No weed. No drinking. And some won’t even take cold medication.

Lesson Twelve: Serious drug dealers give you that uneasy “feeling” while making special effort to make you relax. They are a lot of fun but just below the surface, you know something isn’t right. Even if you’ve never been exposed to this lifestyle before, something just doesn’t feel right. Pay attention to it.

Springer-esque

Haven’t we all watched our share of Springer? Sat back and laughed or even felt sorry for the people who end up on his stage. How many possible baby-daddies can one woman have? How many Black-acting white women can profess their love and willingness to fight for toothless Tyron? How many best friends can sleep with the other’s spouse or significant other? But at the end of the hour–if we make it through the whole show–we turn the television off and rest easy knowing that our lives don’t at all mirror that of those on television.

We come back to our lives, our normal lives and we think the decisions we’re making are so much better. Well baby, I’m here to tell y’all that they aren’t. I’m here to tell y’all that a lof of us have skeletons in the closet. Hell, some of us have closet doors that are hanging by one henge because the closet is so chocked full with the unfortunate results of questionable decisions. Decisions no different that the average Springer guest.

One thing that always melts my ice is how the women act when they find out their man has been ’stepping out’ on them, (as the old folks say). What do the women do?? They lash out at each other. The logic?? I can’t quite find it. I’ve had women lash out at me over men and I never understood it. I didn’t promise them anything. I was probably just as much in the dark as she was. Who had us in the dark? The man! So my anger focused on him.

Women, what’s so wrong with us that we would choose to place our anger someplace it doesn’t belong?? Is it easier to blame the woman? Is it that we don’t want to rock the boat too much so that maybe at the end of it all the man will choose us?? Is it that we really convince ourselves that if this other woman wasn’t available, our man wouldn’t choose to seek anything outside of us?? This is what we watch on Springer. We say we aren’t like that. But I say we are. I say that we just know better than to not take it onto television and open out closet to the world. That’s the only difference.

I have this frociate. We’ve been cool for years. We’d shoot the shyt over the phone, he might stop by, or we might get a meal. Amazingly, through all the years, we’ve never really discussed relationships. Or at least not the ones were in or have been in. In some way, I just figured this was because he’s such a secret squirrel. Some looking from the outside said it was because he didn’t want to ruin the remote possibility that one day, he might be able to move beyond the frociate box. I never thought much of it.

I’m willing to believe, however, that this frociate kept his situations under wraps because his situations were ones that painted him to be a less than honorable man. In fact, if I were dating someone like him, he’d probably be first in line to kick the man’s ass. This frociate was treating women in the exact way he’d never want his sisters to be treated. Yet, he continued to do it. When I found out how much of a dirty-low-to-the-ground man he was, our frociation tappered off. It was easy for me to cut him off. I guess because our relationship was defined, by me, as frociates. Sure we still see each other but it’s not like before. I see him as either tarnished or undeveloped as a man. Don’t know which one. But I know I don’t want to be frociates with a man like that.

Fast forward to more recent months. He has gotten himself in what could very easily turn out to be a Springer-esque situation. Women’s eyes are rolling, feelings are hurt and guess what? It’s not being directed towards him. He is the problem. He’s the one insisting that these women keep thier ‘dating’ on the low. (Which goes back to my feeling that if you are on the low, there’s some shyt in the game!) He’s the one leading women to believe that he likes them for more than a suck and a f*ck. So why are these otherwise intelligent women pissy with each other??

Luckily, they’re holding thier pissivity in. Not letting it erupt into a fist fight. But you can still see it, just below the surface. You can see it in how they interact. Or maybe I can just see it since I sit so far out of the situation. Maybe I’m just too logical. But there’s no way that at this age, they should not be able to focus their anger and hurt onto the right person!! Him treating women shabbily has nothing to do with him being able to float in and out of various beds. It has everything to do with him being a jerk and with them allowing it by focusing on each other and not him. Further, I’m not completely sure that if the stage was set, the lighting just right, that these women wouldn’t end up in a rock-em-sock-em fight as he stands back admiring his handy-work. Yep, no different at all.

The Cast of Visiting Uncles

Yesterday man!!! I was actually busy working. Meetings and doing stuff. Go figure. Plus, I was a little taken aback by the responses to my Tuesday and Wednesday posts. And then there was Edwige demanding something good Thursday. I had nothing to talk about. So I was thankful to have a legit excuse to not post. Luckily, as I was off to a meeting, Serenity23 gave me a topic. Like to hear it? Here it go! (This won’t be a controversial topic.)

It’s Friday. This weekend all around the country, in nearly every zipcode, someone will be going out on a date. And in some of those dates, the woman is single with at least one child. And some of those single moms have a problem. Now look, I know I’m borderline barren (C2A, 2005) and all, but some stuff is should be common sense. But it’s not. This is where The Kajuana Show comes in.

See, sometimes, y’all get a bit to rushy-rushy with getting into relationships. Meet. Fall in love. Cohabitate. Break up. Rinse and repeat. All in a span of one month. And really, this is fine by me. If that’s the merry-go-round you bought a ticket for, ride it out. Viva la doing-what-the-heck-you-want-so-long-as-it-doesn’t-hurt-anyone-else. But where it gets ugly is when you have children.

Ladies, lean in really close. You know how I love the kids!? Well yeah, I do. So long as they are well behaved, clean, etc. Listen to me when I tell ya!! Stop bringing men you barely know around your children. Stop moving men you barely know up into your home. Stop. I know you want to have a life. But for the love of the kids, have a life after they go to bed, outside of the home, or when you have a sitter!

I’ve done some research. I had hypothesized that a woman should know a man no less than 6 solid months before even considering introducing him to her children. But my research told me otherwise. Based on responders to the survey, a woman should actually wait 9-12 months. And, never, unless they are married, should she move a man up into her home around her children.

When single, borderline barren (Gotta love C2A for giving us this one.), women think about who we’re going to allow into our lives, we kinda have a luxary that single mothers do not have. Not to say that we should be careless about who we choose. Hell, I’ve seen women let men they barely know screw them unprotected but then turn around and say, “Shoot, I wouldn’t leave him in my house alone. He might rob me.” Da hell?! If you can let him into your body but not leave him in your home unattended, there’s clearly a glitch in you skut distribution matrix. I digress. Once you have kids and find yourself still dating, your standards should be 7 times as tuff for suitors. Because now, you’re not just considering yourself, but you’re considering your kids too. Even getting involved with a guy you know isn’t good for you while keeping him away from the kids still affects the kids. You’ll be sad and your kids will feel it.

I want to wag a finger. But I also want to understand. And moreover, I want you to understand. Understand your patterns and why you’re doing the things you’re doing. If you can’t see what it’s doing to yourself, ask what it’s doing to your children. I know mothers are reading this, thinking the revolving daddy door doesn’t affect their kids but you’re wrong. Why do you risk your kids’ safety and comfort for a man you barely know? What do you need and why are those needs being met by this random live-in-partner? And GAWD, I ask again, what does this revolving door do to your kids? Does it make your babies think mommy’s a whore or that her having a man is the most important thing in the world or that men in their lives shouldn’t be expected to be permenent?

Again, I’m not saying not to have a life. But I am saying that more is on the line than just you.

My Heart Tells Me So

During last week’s discussions, several people commented that they just “knew” certain things. Hell, even I said I just know my frociate is gay. Then there were the doubters. The feeling I have when I just know, it’s the same feeling that some call intuition. It’s the same feeling that has been unexplainably correct more times than I’d like to count. But because it can’t be described as more than a feeling, I had taught myself to dismiss it.

It’s this feeling that has stopped me from going places and doing things others thought were too good to be true. They said, “Go for it.” while I wrinkled my brow and went with my feeling. I’ve never known the men folk to have these feelings. In fact, I’ve known them to be the biggest doubters of these feelings. This women’s intuition.

We could ask, “If women have all this fancy intuition, why do they make so many mistakes?” A simple answer to a simple answer. Actually, two answers. We’re taught not to listen and we’re humans; therefore, imperfect.

Intuition is probably the root cause of people not being able to keep a secret. Others feel the truth. A couple weeks ago my girl and her husband came to visit. I looked at her and thought, “Bout time she got pregnant!” A few days later, she called to tell me she was. I didn’t even mention that I knew. I let her have her moment. I felt it when I looked at her. And no she’s not in the least bit showing. But preggers nonetheless. OK, that wasn’t a good example.

I don’t know if O remembers this, but a few years back, there was this dude who was hot on my trail. You know, tryna insta-girlfriend me. Both O and my girl D thought nothing of it even though we all had jokes. But for me, there was just something not right. Something a bit off-center. I had no signs. None at all. But it was that feeling of uneasiness that made me not get mixed up with him. And sure enough, Satan has created few creatures as evil to the core as that dude. Not such a good example either.

The thing is, I don’t even know if I can put into words what the feeling is. Nor can I recall any good examples. Ladies, do you know what I mean?? It’s the feeling that let’s you know your man is cheating. He hasn’t done anything but you just feel like he is. Something tells you to open the drawer beside the bed. Or the things that you feel when you have the first date with the person you’re going to spend the rest of your life with. You look at him on that first date and think, “OK, this is it. God, this is him.” And no, I don’t mean love at first site. It’s the thing that my co-worker felt as her father walked her down the aisle. She paused and thought, “We’re getting a divorce.” She felt it on her honeymoon. She ignored it and tried to make-it-work for three years. But all the while she knew.

I think we do more harm to ourselves when we ignore these things. When we try to out think our feelings, we end up screwed.

Crazier, Sexier, Cooler?

Do y’all believe pretty women are crazy? Think about it. I’ve been hearing this for so long. There’s an expectation out there that if a woman is pretty, fine, desirable in any way, it should be automatically assumed she’s crazy. This might even be true. And yeah, I’m saying this as a woman who is easy on the eyes. I speak from a place of knowing. I’m not saying it’s cool to be crazy. But I definately understand how a prettier woman can get trained to be crazy. Taking into account that all women have crazy in them but the assumption is that prettier women have a higher rate of letting crazy ideas move from being quick thoughts to well orchestrated events.

Most attractive women have been that way throughout their lives. As a result, they’ve had access to a greater number of boys/men for a lot longer than their not-as-cute counterparts. And we all know, people do foul things in relationships. Therefore, these pretty women (PW) are more likely to get screwed over. More dates equal more drama. When you’re young, you don’t always know how to react to hurt feelings, being wronged, etc. Too often, she lashes out. The thing is, even if she lashes out, she still gets dates. There’s no penalty for showing her ass. As a result, she doesn’t learn to deal with hurt feelings any other way because she doesn’t have to. Nor is she particularly concerned about being able to keep this one guy or get others.

This is even the case with grown ass men. They let certain women get away with crazy. I recall writing about something and my boy, who I know in real-real life, admitted that a pretty chick can get away with WAY more than an average or ugly chick. Hell, even in court, attractive people get away with way more (see, OJ). Not only this, but if an attractive woman does some crazy shyt, men aren’t shocked because they expect it.

The messed up thing is that women know this. Women know there’s a certain acceptable level of crazy we can safely get away with. And sometimes, crazy is fun. There I said it. Sometimes crazy is pretty damn liberating. Sometimes you just get tired of thinking things through. Sometimes, you gotta have a blade in your mouth. Sometimes, a MF needs to remember that he should be afraid, very afraid.

Truth is, I don’t think attractive women are any more crazy than any other women. What I do believe is that ALL women are capable of crazy. People just notice more on attractive women because, well they are attractive. Just like you’re more llikely to notice an attractive woman when she walks in the room. Does she have a super special swagger? No. But she’s pleasing to the eye and more likely to get attention for doing nothing out of the ordinary.

Just Like Red Cross

Over the last couple days, there’s been a huge discussion on my eGroup. To sum it up, a woman told us a situation, said she needed to screw, screwed, got screwed, and has said she will continue to screw this dude. Now before y’all go calling her all sorts of stupid hoes, I know her and she’s not stupid. After damn near 200 e-mails, she moved beyond horniness as cause for her lapse in sound judgement. She listed all the things that she wanted a man for. All the things she was husband hunting for. What stuck me was that, of her long list, only a few things were chexual (I’m spelling it that way so my site doesn’t get blocked by your firewalls.)! Yet, it had been coming off like she was just some hot-in-the-twat broad looking for a good time from whatever dude would give it to her.

Hold up!! What should you be doing right now??

I was left with the feeling that underneath her saying her actions were chex driven, there was lonliness. Still not sure if this is exactly what’s going on with her. But still, I wondered how much loneliness plays a factor in us making questionable relationship decisions. Because up until this week, I thought stupidity and lack of experience were the biggest contributing factors. How can people who have friends ever feel loneyly? (I mean cus lonely people have no friends and hang out on the innanets. J/K)

Speaking from my experiences and observations, I was an only child for damn near 11 years. Therefore, I spent a lot of time alone. Entertaining my damn self. I could always depend on my family to support me but I still spent a lot of time alone. When I went to college, I got rid over EVERY SINGLE roomie I had, save my last one, J. For some reason I liked her and we’re still friends to this day. Again, aside from not running her out of the room, I was alone. I had friends, but I appreciated the time when I could just go in my room and be alone. Then after graduate school, I moved into my first apartment, alone. Again, I had a host of friends but I looked forward to going home to be alone. Never once, though did I feel lonely.

So you’re still going to ignore whatever it is you’re supposed to be doing and keep reading this?

After more than a few well thought out responses to the woman’s situation, I realized I can’t relate. I’ve done some dumb shyt in relationships. But never becuase I was lonely. Moreso because these were failed relationships I was still trying to hold on to. And when there was no Manfriend, I still never felt lonely or like I was in great need for male companionship. I never felt out of sorts at our events if I didn’t have a date. I never even really felt alone. Maybe because I spent so much time alone as a child then spent more adult time alone by choice. Maybe because I still had male companionship in the form of frociates. Some of these frociates are on our eGroup. I’ve spent time with each of them. Dinners, movies, just kicking it. In a purely frociate way. When I needed a Jay-Z to match my Beyonce Halloween costume, I knew I could call on one of them. On birthdays and holidays, I know I can tap into the frociate pool if I want to and vice versa. And up until this discussion started, I thought she had been doing this too.

Once I realized this, that on no real level could I relate to the place she was coming from, I shut up. Sure I could see how her choices could lead down an ugly road. But I can only give advice from the perspective of looking at the symptoms and not the cause. One one level it bothers me because there seems to be very little I can do to help her. Also, I’m bothered because I don’t know what causes feelings of loneliness. I mean she has friends. I really want her to have everything wonderful she deserves but I don’t know if I can help. And we all know, Kajuana is nothing if not helpful (sometimes, in the winter, when she has the purple sheets on her bed).

And I bet now you wanna comment! Uhm-humh. Don’t blame me when your ass gets fired for not doing whatever it is you’re supposed to be doing.