When I was younger, my friends and I came up with the Break-Up Formula. You were allowed to grieve for 1 week for every month you spent together, if the relationship was less than a year. And 1 month for every year you spent together if the relationship was more than 11 months in duration. A simpler time indeed. We also had a formula for assessing your overall losses post relationship. Let me see if I remember it. Damn me and my imperfect memory. Shoot, as weak as my memory is, you’d think I’ve smoked a lot of green in my day–which I have NOT!
You guessed it. We were nerds. Proud nerds. And we could relate damn near everything to a mathematic formula. What’s worse, is we believed it. But you get older, you get wiser. I can say that since the days of formulas, we’ve all seen our share of love and heartbreak. And I don’t think any of those formulas worked at the time of need.
Today, let’s talk about breaking up. And I will try to stay on topic. Really I will. But if I don’t, oh well. This is The Kajuana Show. I’m the Quentin Tarantino up in the bloggery!! And no you nosey basards, I’m not doing any breaking up of my own. Y’all are like vultures I tell ya.
Different people handle break-ups differently. Some people cry for months. Some people go out and find a replacement. Some people stalk. Some people try to play the ‘friendship’ card. Some people refuse to let go.
I can, for the sake of this post, pretend to have the keys to a successful break-up. Not as the breaker-uper or the break-upee. I want to say that honesty is the key. Yeah, let’s go with that. But can you really tell someone, “Look, I can’t see you anymore because I fear that were we to marry and breed kids, they’d be hairy, stupid, and short, like you and the rest of your family.” As the break-upee, you can’t ask a gazillion questions because it’s likely that even though the other person broke up with you, they won’t want to hurt your feelings with more of the truth.
I once had someone I was attempting to break-up with tell me, “Uh, naw. Your reasons aren’t good enough. That’s not going to work. We’re not done. I’ll talk to you tommarrow.” It was a very Seinfeld moment. And you know what? The shyt worked. In less than 72 hours we were back together. Bastard!
I’ve only had one, what I call, Perfect Break-Up. The key, IMO, to a successful break-up, is making it mutual. But Kajuana, how do I do that? It’s rather simple. You set the stage so that breaking up seems mutually benefitical. Taking it from the stand-point of the breaker-uper, you have to get the break-upee to see that you are not the one for him or her. This tactic has been tried time and time again. Unsuccessfully, might I add. The way it’s been done is to be mean to the other person, hoping s/he will have enough self-respect to just break-up. Never happens. And you know why?? Because love can be the anecdote to self-respect and common sense.
This is where your complete knowledge of your mate will come into play. Ya see, you know what they are looking for. You know what type of person they think you are. What you have to do is become the exact opposite if that person. This doesn’t mean being men to him/her. Just the opposite. Be nice. Be sweet. Be kind. If good credit is important to this person, confess that you haven’t paid a bill on time since Clinton was in office. If education is important to the person, tell them your degree(s) is(are) fake. Instead of getting mad at you because you aren’t responsive in the relationship, the person will simply think your true colors are coming out. They will come to you and break-up. There will be a discussion. You’ll be honest about your concerns and they will tell you you aren’t the wo/man they thought you were. Either that, or they beat you about the head with a candlestick…Professor Plum, in the kitchen, with the candlestick. It should work like a charm. Try it and let me know how it goes.
But if you are the break-upee and you and your mate decide to split, how do you actually get over it?? Even if it’s mutual, how do you get over it? I’m about to drop something on you that will rock the very foundation of the post-break-up ’situation’ as you know it. I don’t think you’re ready. Matter-fact, I should make this a two parter and have you just come back on Monday for the answer. Dang, y’all are lucky I like y’all. And you guessed it. I, and the fine mathematitions over at Kajuana LLC have developed a formula.
Just kidding…
The thing that will undoubtedly help you get over a break-up…TIME. Time to grieve. Time to reflect. Time to get used to not having that person by your side during the day and in your bed during the night. Time to go to all the places you used to go to together. Time to listen to yourself and not your friends. Friends can be supportive but be careful who you look to for support. Time to put a root on your former significant other. Just kidding. Even if you run right out and get a replacement, if you don’t give yourself time to get over it, when the newness of the replacement wears off, you still won’t be over that break-up. And it will be years later and your ass will be calling the ex talking crazy. See X’s post about ex’s.
Time…
No comments:
Post a Comment