The Farewell Tour

Today I’d like to discuss, and by ‘discuss’ I mean ‘ramble on about’ the Farewell Tour (FT). But before I get into that, can you believe that one of my all time favorite songs has been re-made. Excuse me. Horribly remade. I can’t figure out who is butchering my beloved song but when I find out, he will pay. What song?? More Than Words originally done by Mr. Big. “Sayin’ I love you is not the words I want to hear from you-oo-oo. It’s not that I want you not to say it but if you only knew how e-zee it would be to show me how you feel. More than words…”

FT? For the purposes of this entry, and what I’m about to say, let’s define FT as a set of behavior which occur before a planned major life changing event. Got it? Good. That being said, a lot of men start up their FT the day after they get engaged. Which would be why some cat tried to insta-relationship my ass while his ass was engaged. O, do you remember that dude? Did I tell you how I saw him out and his ring went from the yes-I-am-married finger to the other hand, then to his pocket. And how I made him cry on the second floor of Republic…In front of all his friends?? Good times.

In the past week, a few of the men who never made it into the ‘League’ offered to be members of my FT Entourage. Naw, we ain’t hanging out. Naw, I am not mad at any of y’all. We’re cool. I just choose not to fool with any of you like that. With the exception of one man I’ve dated, the Doc with the perfect back–cus he’s just a good person, I can live the rest of my life not speaking to any of them. What’s messed up is that I can’t, for the life of me, remember what a lot of the major ones look like. I was telling someone not so long ago that aside from saying 80% of them were light-curly men, I couldn’t give any distinguishing characteristics.

Mental Note: Go on ahead and change my numbers.

Da hell? First, if I didn’t want you then, what the heck would make then think I want them now?? I don’t need any new frociates. I’m tryna cut back on the ones I have. By the way, BMoreK, call me cus I erased your number by mistake. FT is supposed to be a time for outlandish behaviors. But who even said I was even on FT status? Just cus I admit to having a manfriend, it doesn’t mean I’m sliding down anyone’s aisle! And even if I was, I’m still not the FT kinda woman.

Truth be told, I’ve been living on FT status for my entire party career (1989-present). I’ve tried to have the most fun I could possibly have in everything I do. And I’m proud to say that even after pulling some illegal stunts, dancing on many stages and in cages (Although that cage thing only happened once.), I have had a helluva time. Good times. Lemme tell ya!!! Do I think that were I getting married I still wouldn’t have fun? Naw. Which is why I don’t believe I’ll ever need a FT.

But if I was about to get engaged, go to Iraq, have surgery, hell even get a wisdom tooth taken out…Now this is where my more masculine thought process takes over…If I was a dude, I would FT til the cows come home. I might not even want to, but I would. Because. I. Can. Because society tells me that I must. Because some even say it’s natural for a man to want to conquor as much ’snatch’ as he can. I’d probably lose my mind. I hit off every piece of ass I could. I’d spend every single one of my frequent flyer miles. Ass in every region. I’d hit every continent if I could!!! I’d do like that kid in Love Actually. Just pack a bag full of condoms. Every woman that offered me ass on the sly, I’d take it. Oh yeah, I’d lose my mind!!!

I don’t know why my thoughts on this are so different for myself as a woman and myself were I a man. Maybe because deep down, I’m an opportunist who’d use any excuse to get my most selfish needs met. And maybe, me being that way is why I keep getting told I’m a penisless man. But where they want the sex, I want the, the, the everything.