My mom was in Detroit a few weeks ago visiting my uncle. She stayed with him and her report to me was simple, “He has a nice house, but he needs a wife.” Luckily, she said this during my long-ass-gawd-traffic-is-a-b*tch commute so I was more than willing to discuss further with her. My mother went on to say that he needs a companion. He needs someone to help him get through his days. Sure he’s an adult, but he needs some support. Let her tell it, he doesn’t even have any friends. And his brothers? They are all married with families. But somehow, this otherwise successful Black man over 40 has managed to make it without ever having a wife. Keep in mind, my mom’s is somewhat old school. She’s rather traditional and she thinks people work best in a team—a hetero team, but that’s a discussion for another day.
My uncle’s seeing one woman and there’s some fringe hanger-oner whose been doing so for five years. There’s a lonliness there, according to my mother. But he still won’t marry. Let me be clear. It’s not becausehe doesn’t want to get married. My mother says he said he does. When asked why he hadn’t, my mother said all he was concerned about was that no woman was going to come and take his money. Further, he wasn’t going to pay any woman’s bills or take care of her. My mother’s response, “Take care of them?? Don’t you realize that a woman, a good one will take care of you, not in money, but in companionship. Hell you might even get one who will bring a little life to this house.”
Additionally, my uncle’s only reason for not having a wife being fear of monetary losses remined me that sometimes it’s men who allow fear to keep them out of real relationships. The uncle somehow got it in his mind that women only want his money. But hey, he does live in Detroit and it is the home of the Sack Chasin’-est Hoes on this side of the planet—so his fears might not be too far off the mark. At the same time, my uncle doesn’t even see how the value of having a consistent companion out-weights the fear. Maybe it’s my older school up-bringing, but I see absolutely nothing wrong with consistent companionship and doing things for someone you say you trust WITHOUT immediately questioning their motives. Give and take. This is with friends or lovers.
We give a lot of attention to women who stay in relationships getting treated shabbily. But what about men? What is it about men that stop them from even taking the chance to seriously try? Are women just more hopeful?/ Most dumb? Is it that until men get decent treatment, they don’t realize what they’re missing? And start to think the wack treatment is par for the course? Or, have they just been in relationships with women who’d been treated so poorly in the past that she’s less likely to do those girlfriend/wife things later in life? Could it be that some people are naturally good mate material? Cus it can’t be that the foundation of what EVERYONE is looking for something so different. At the very least, most people are looking for is basic companionship. And part of that companionship, no matter who you talk to, man or woman, gay or straight, is helping the other person, trusting that their requests will cause you no harm, getting along, and not taking advantage. And to me, getting those things seems worth the effort of getting over his fear of gold-diggers.
Note: I’m home for a snow day and lemme tell you, it was all I could do to write this. I’m sitting in my bed. Thank Gawd for wireless.
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